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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25076995">The fear has gripped me, but here I go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepethehobbit/pseuds/pepethehobbit'>pepethehobbit</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Coming Out, Denial of Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I know that's very ooc for him like the snake that he is, Lucas needs to get out of his head, M/M, Misunderstandings, also lucas doesn't want to lie in this fic, bisexual jens, but I can't write snakes apparently, but mostly just lucas being stupid, happy end, i guess, or trying to at least</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:21:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25076995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepethehobbit/pseuds/pepethehobbit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucas, Jens and Robbe have been friends since they were ten years old. When Robbe comes out in High School and introduces them to his boyfriend, that somehow changes everything for Lucas. He begins to realize something, something he had tried to keep hidden for a long time, especially from Jens. </p><p>A friends to lovers VDS AU.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The fear has gripped me, but here I go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey guys,<br/>this is my second try at this writing thing, and honestly I'm having lots of fun. This is as cliche as it gets and probably like every other friends to lovers out there, but I kinda like it.<br/>The title is from a song called "Breezeblocks" by alt-j. I don't know but I thought it was fitting to Lucas's thoughts in this one. </p><p>Anyway, enough from me, I hope you enjoy what I wrote and please, if you have any feedback, any at all, please tell me.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lucas moved to Antwerp when he was ten years old. His father just said so one evening, without really ever speaking of it before and the next thing he knew, he had to say goodbye to his friends, his childhood home and to the city he loves so much. </p><p>To say that he wasn’t exactly excited for his new life in not only a different city but in a different country was an understatement. At least the language was the same, he thought. But when he had is first day of school, he was quickly teased and bullied for his “strange” way of speaking. That’s when he met Jens for the first time. He simply told the bullies to leave Lucas alone and they actually did. Then he invited him to spend the break with him and his friend Robbe. From then on they were inseperable and that made his life considerably easier. He still hasn’t forgiven his dad but having Jens in his life was an immense improvement. </p><p>When they entered high school, Robbe, Jens and him made friends with some boys called Moyo and Aaron. On the first glance you maybe wouldn’t think that they’d fit together but they formed a sort of boysquad, called themselves the brothers and it worked really well. Spending time with them always made Lucas laugh, but really he always liked it better when he could spend time with Jens alone. He didn’t think much about why that could be until Robbe came out to them and introduced his boyfriend, Sander. That was two weeks ago.</p><p>He always had some doubts as to why he didn’t feel anything when he hooked up with girls at parties, why he always broke up with them after a week, but he tried to bury these thoughts deep beneath all the other shit he had going on. His family breaking apart, his mum’s condition getting worse, his grades hitting a point so low he wasn’t sure if he could recover. He didn’t need to be thinking about why when Jens laughs his stomach is doing somersaults or how his throat constricted whenever he saw Jens with Jana. </p><p>But when Robbe came out and Lucas saw how much happier he was, how Robbe’s mood of the last few weeks changed from annoyed, angry and sad to content, calm and happy, that’s when Lucas began to dig up these thoughts. He allowed himself to think about the way Jens eyes light up when he talks about music, how he gets this intense look when Lucas talks about art, how he catches himself staring a bit too long when he thinks Jens isn’t looking and how he felt weirdly happy when Jens and Jana broke up, even though he knows that isn’t what you should feel when your best friend ends a relationship. </p><p>So, he slowly comes to terms with his feelings for Jens. He recognizes that he maybe harboured these feelings for longer than he thought and wonders how he didn’t realize it sooner. The thing is now, he doesn’t know how to act around Jens without second guessing his every move. With every little touch, every little word and every little reaction to Jens he is afraid that he will reveal his true feelings and in the process destroy their friendship. There is just no way that Jens feels the same about him. He is straight and Lucas should really try to focus on overcoming his crush and stop thinking about how it would feel to kiss his best friend. </p><p>The thing is though, sometimes he catches Jens looking at him. And when Lucas looks back, Jens quickly avoids his gaze. Other times, when Lucas shows him his latest drawings and Jens just has that look in his eyes that is equal times awe and amazement, or when Jens shows him a new music piece he wrote because “your opinion matters the most, Luc”, or when Jens drunkly clings to his side at parties because “other people are boring. I just want to spend time with you”, that’s when a tiny little flicker of hope starts to bloom in his chest. And he knows that it’s dangerous, knows that all this could mean nothing, that it’s just proof of how strong their friendship is, but he has no way of fighting these feelings. Every time Jens compliments Lucas’s art, looks at him fondly, hugs him maybe a little bit longer and a little bit tighter than he does the rest of the brothers, Lucas’s feelings grow stronger and so does the dangerous hope of Jens returning them. So the only solution he sees is to avoid Jens as long as needed to get his crush under control. It doesn’t really work at school but he hasn’t seen Jens outside of it for over two weeks and so far he just misses him even more. It’s becoming harder and harder to turn down Jens’s request of hanging out or joining him at this party that is supposed to be happening this week. But he doesn’t see any other way. Jens can’t find out. </p><p>With coming to terms with his feelings for Jens also comes the acceptance that he is probably very gay. This was the thought that always scared him the most, how others would react and if they would start treating him differently. But seeing the way his friends and classmates reacted to Robbe’s coming out with acceptance and support, eased his mind a little bit. There were some weird reactions from Moyo but he came around and apologized for his behaviour. He wasn’t so scared anymore of people finding out. Now the scary thing is, Jens finding out about the way Lucas feels about him, feels that go far beyond of what is supposed to be platonic. </p><p>He struggles with these thoughts for about two weeks, so since the day Robbe came out to them and decides he has to talk to someone. Not Jens, obviously. The risk of this particular conversation revealing his true feelings is too big. Questions like “What made you figure it out?” or “Anyone caught your attention?” couldn’t be answered without having to come up with some sort of lie. And Lucas doesn’t want to lie to Jens. So he decides he wants to talk to Robbe about it. He pulls him aside after class and asks if he could talk to him about something after school, alone. Robbe is a bit thrown off by the last word. They always got along great and it’s not like they have never hung out alone, but usually when they meet it’s with Jens there or Moyo and Aaron as well.</p><p>“Sure. Let’s go to the skate park? I’m supposed to meet Sander there anyway. I’ll just tell him to come a little bit later?” He raises his voice in question, to make sure that it’s okay with Lucas.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. Thank you, Robbe.” He doesn’t know what else to say and Robbe’s voice is laced with a hesitant kind of concern when he asks: “Is everything alright, Lucas?”</p><p>“Yes, don’t worry. I just need to talk to you about something”, Lucas assures Robbe with what he hopes is a confident smile. </p><p>“Okay, I’ll see you later then.” With that, Robbe waves goodbye and makes his way to his next lesson.  </p><p> </p><p>When Lucas arrives at the skate park after school he finds Robbe already sitting at their usual meeting point. They ceremoniously and, lets admit it, not very creatively named it “Robbe’s face” because from there you have a great view of the giant ass mural that Sander made for his boyfriend. “Let’s meet at Robbe’s face” has become a saying so normal, that the absurdity of this statement has been lost to them. Lucas really likes Sander, he had only met him twice since Robbe introduced him, but both of them being passionate about art gave them an instant kind of bond.</p><p>He walks up to Robbe and plops down next to him which makes him looks up with a startled smile. “Hey Lucas,  I didn’t see you coming.” </p><p>“That’s because you’ve been too busy texting Sander, am I right?” Lucas says teasingly. </p><p>“I don’t know what you mean”, Robbe answers defiantly but the blush that creeps up his cheeks and the smile that started to widen at the mention of his boyfriend betray him. Lucas just raises his eyebrows at him in form of an answer. Robbe rolls his eyes but continues to smile at Lucas. “Anyway, what did you wanna talk about?”</p><p>Lucas hasn’t really thought about how he should approach this conversation with Robbe. But now he thinks it’s probably best to just come out with it. Straight up. No talking around the bush. Like Jens would probably do. </p><p>“I’m gay”, Lucas says with a confidence in his voice that surprises even himself. Maybe it comes from the fact that he knows Robbe won’t react badly. Robbe just looks at him for a few seconds before smiling widely and pulling Lucas into a tight hug. Lucas is a bit stunned but throws his arms around Robbe’s back anyway and realizes that he really needed the physical comfort. </p><p>When Robbe pulls back he is still smiling. “Welcome to the club, then. Milan will be thrilled to have another “baby gay” in his rounds, as he likes to call me”, Robbe says with a roll of his eyes but his tone is fond when he speaks of his roommate. Then his eyes light up with excitement. “Oh my god, I just realized. Does that mean I’m your guru now? I totally am, aren’t I? Wow that’s the second time this week.” </p><p>Lucas is thrown off by this turn of conversation. He expected acceptance, of course, but not this much enthusiasm. But apparently it’s infectious because he finds him self laughing and asking in a confused tone: “What? What are you talking about? What do you mean with guru?” </p><p>“Well I am the first person you told right? You obviously must think that I can help you more than the rest of these idiots”, Robbe says with the same kind of enthusiasm that seems to dim a little bit as it looks like he just remembered something. “Wait, you probably told Jens already, right?” </p><p>Lucas smile fades a little bit and he looks down to his hands nervously. That is answer enough for Robbe. “You haven’t told him?” Lucas just silently shakes his head and looks up at Robbe to see his face. He looks genuinely confused as he asks the question that Lucas has been dreading. He’d hoped he didn’t have to reveal this part of his thoughts so soon. “Why? He is your best friend. You know he won’t react badly. He has been chill from the moment I told him.” Robbe’s answering voice is calm, without judgement and just pure curiosity. </p><p>Lucas doesn’t know what to say. He knows of course why he hadn’t told Jens first but he can’t reveal that to Robbe. He is still scrambling for an answer that wouldn't necessarily be a lie when Robbe utters his next question.</p><p>“Why have you been avoiding him?” His tone is gentle and without accusation. Still Lucas is in shock. He should’ve guessed it though. In the time that he knew Robbe he was always the most attentive one of his friends. Maybe Robbe will understand. He is a really good friend. More than Lucas realizes sometimes. There is no way that he will run to Jens the second Lucas tells him the truth. </p><p>“I don’t want him to find out…, because I’m afraid of what else he will see when I tell him.” That is as close to the truth as Lucas is willing to admit. He looks down to the hands he keeps twisting nervously in his lap, but he has to see Robbe’s reaction, so he looks up again. Robbe’s answering smile is wide and excited as he probably realizes what Lucas meant, which just really confuses him. If he realizes, shouldn’t he also see that this will destroy their friendship? He doesn’t get why Robbe seems so happy about what he just found out. </p><p>Before Robbe can say anything though, Sander appears out of nowhere and presses an enthusiastic kiss to his boyfriend’s cheek. “Hello my dear Robin, ready to go?” He takes Robbe’s hands and pulls him up to stand next to him while he looks at Lucas and says hello to him as well. </p><p>Robbe looks apologetic as he stands and says: “I’m sorry, Lucas. But I have to go now.” Then his voice changes to something akin to conspirational, like he knows something Lucas doesn’t. “You know, I had a really interesting conversation with Jens earlier this week. You should go talk to him, really. I don’t think that you will regret it. Tell him what you told me.” </p><p>Sander waves goodbye and while they walk away from Lucas, Robbe turns around once again with a big smile on his face and calls: “I mean it, Lucas! Talk to Jens!” </p><p>Lucas doesn’t talk to Jens. At least he doesn’t plan on doing so. He has seen him in school the next day but when Jens asks him if they would still meet up later he just says that he can’t and turns around to leave. Jens looked disappointed but not surprised and that made Lucas feel all kinds of guilty. He misses Jens, but he really doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t hide his feelings, he has always been bad at it. Maybe that’s also why Jens comes running after him, touches his shoulder to stop him from leaving and asks his next question with a voice full of concern laced with a little bit of hurt. </p><p>“Luc, are you okay? What’s going on? Why are you avoiding me? You know you can talk to me, right? I’m your best friend.” </p><p>Lucas finds that denial worked best for him so far, so he tries that tactic again. “I haven’t been avoiding you.” That’s all he says, because he still doesn’t want to lie to Jens by coming up with false excuses, but telling him the truth isn’t an option either.  </p><p>“Luc, come on. Don’t play dumb with me. I know something is up and I can’t help but think it has to do something with me. You haven’t really talked to me in the last two weeks. Did I do something wrong? Just talk to me, please.” Jens voice is laced with hurt and that makes Lucas look up into his eyes. He looks like he desperately searches Lucas’s face for any kind of answer and Lucas is afraid that he will find it, so he avoids the eyes that know him so well by looking down again. </p><p>Lucas tries to bring as much reassurance in his voice as possible while being unable to look into his best friend’s face. “You didn’t do anything wrong, believe me. It has nothing to do with you.” </p><p>“Then why won’t you talk to me? I’m always here for you, you know that right?” Lucas keeps still and doesn’t know what to do. “Hey, Lucas, look at me.” When Lucas still doesn’t move he says it again. “Luc, come on. Look at me, please.” At the mention of the nickname only Jens really calls him, Lucas’s resolve crumbles and he looks up into his face again. He is so weak when it comes to Jens. He never really could resist those beautiful brown eyes, especially when they are matched with an expression so full of concern and worry. Lucas feels guilty. He didn’t mean to make Jens question himself. This is on him and him alone. He just needs to get his feelings under control. But he doesn’t know how to explain himself to Jens without revealing anything. </p><p>“I’m here when you are ready to talk about whatever is going on with you.” Jens voice is so soothing and full of comfort, his expression so earnest that Lucas is having a hard time ignoring his urge to kiss the worried expression off of Jens’s face. Before he can do or say anything that he would regret later, Jens pulls him into a hug. Lucas can’t help himself. He immediately falls into Jens, puts his arms around his waist, buries his head in the softness of Jens’s signature red sweater and breathes him in deeply. He loves how Jens smells. It has always brought him comfort, especially in the early stages of their friendship, when Lucas was still trying to fit into his new life. He smells fresh and clean, like the air after a thunderstorm. There is also always a hint of mint from that one shampoo he uses, that he has been using since Lucas met him when he was ten years old. He feels how Jens buries his head into Lucas’s neck as if he needs the comfort just as much as him. Lucas has to step back if he wants to make it out of this without revealing too much. He puts his hands on Jens’s shoulders and gently pushes him back a little. His hands stay on Jens’s shoulder and he feels how Jens’s hands migrate to his waist and how they stay there. That is the opposite of what Lucas wanted. Now they stand much closer than before and his breath gets caught in his throat at the sight of Jens so close to him. Lucas knows he should step back, get out of Jens’s safe hold but he can’t find the strength to do so. He unwillingly lets his eyes wander down to Jens’s lips for a second too long and when he looks back up in his eyes he sees them widen in question.  </p><p>“Luc…” Jens voice is soft, he looks at him questioningly but doesn’t make a move to put some distance between them. His hands stay safely on Lucas’s hips and maybe it’s wishful thinking, but he thinks he feels Jens’s grip on him tighten a little bit. Jens opens his mouth to say something else, but before Lucas can give him a chance to turn him down gently he scrambles away from him saying: “I have to go”, turns around and leaves. He feels Jens catching his hand as he turns, which makes him look at him again. But he just removes his hand out of Jens’s with maybe more force than strictly necessary and repeats his last words. “I really have to go.” This time Jens doesn’t come after him but he can hear him call his name again. He can’t turn around, he can’t have that conversation now. What he needs is to go home so he can let the tears fall that have already pooled in his eyes. </p><p>Shit. This is exactly what Lucas wanted to avoid. Jens knows. Or seems to begin to understand at least. Lucas shouldn’t be surprised. Since he had been aware of the not so platonic feelings for his best friend he knew that he couldn’t pretend when he is with Jens. Sooner or later he would’ve caught up. When he thinks about his behaviour around Jens, when even he himself was still oblivious to his feelings for his best friend, he notices how he has always preferred Jens above everyone else, how he always wanted to be near him, how he much he enjoyed Jens’s proximity whenever they hugged, just like they did a few moment ago. It was only a matter of time before Jens found out. Lucas just wishes it would’ve taken a while longer, so he doesn’t have to deal with the heartbreak of realising that Jens doesn’t feel the same. </p><p>When he arrives at home, he is thankful that he finds nobody there. His dad is probably still at work, that is where he spends most of his days now. Lucas tries to think about when he had last seen his father and he can’t even really remember. His mum is probably still with her therapist. Lucas remembers that she had an appointment today to discuss if she should admit herself to an institution. But right now he can’t even think about his family problems, which is quite ironic as that is all he thought about a few weeks ago to avoid thinking about his feelings for Jens. </p><p>Now though, the image of Jens with that questioning look in his eyes haunts his every thought. Lucas is sure he was just a second away from truly figuring it out and then he would’ve turned Lucas down. He throws himself on his bed in quite the dramatic Disney princess fashion and lets the tears run down his face. But he feels restless. He needs to take his mind somewhere else, away from Jens, away from his heartbreak. </p><p>He needs to draw. His fingers already long for the pieces of charcoal that are always sprinkled across his desk somewhere. The sketchbook he finds right on his bedside table. He gets up, grabs his equipment and heads out again. He needs the fresh air. The longer he stays in his room, the more memories of him and Jens come up, like how they always fall asleep on his bed after the second film on movie night, or how there is still a sweater on the floor that Jens forgot when they hung out a few weeks ago that Lucas still hasn’t returned. He looses his denim jacket and decides to wear Jens’s sweater instead. He doesn’t want to be thinking about him but the smell always calms him down. When he closes the door behind him he starts to think about where he should go.</p><p>The skatepark is not an option. The possibility of running into Jens is far to big. Usually when he would need some space from his home and his thoughts, he would go over to Jens’s. Lucas would enjoy the time they spend together, sometimes in total silence while he draws and Jens works on some music. But of course that isn’t an option either. </p><p>Then a thought comes into his head and his feet carry him towards Antwerp train station. The train to Utrecht only takes an hour and he suddenly feels like seeing the city that he grew up in. He wants to sit at one of the canals, watch the boats drive by, trying to spot the tourists among the people actually living in the city. He wants to go to the skatepark he went to before he moved here and see what has changed and what hasn’t.</p><p>He buys his ticket and when he boards the train, he gets out his art supplies and begins to draw. The hour long ride to Utrecht flies by what feels like an instant and then he has to get off the train. He hasn’t been here in a while. The connections and friends he had before he was forced to move have slowly disappeared over the years. Even with the train ride only taking an hour, life gets in the way, as it always does and he eventually found his new friends in Antwerp. Though sometimes he still wonders what his old friends are doing now and if he should try to contact them again. </p><p>After leaving the train station, he finds himself aimlessly wandering the streets that have once been so familiar to him. He feels like a lot has changed and at the same time nothing at all. He wonders what Jens would think about his home town and if he would like to come with Lucas one day to visit. But then he remembers what happened today and quickly tries to think of something else. It works miraculously well, as he sees more and more things that kickstart the nostalgia in him. He welcomes the distraction and wishes he could stay here a little bit longer to avoid the situation at home.  </p><p>He finds the way to his old skatepark and takes pictures on his phone of all the new graffiti he sees. He kinda misses the giant mural of Robbe’s face but the overall very positive childhood memories he connects with this place make up for it. Although he once broke his arm at exactly that half pipe over there. </p><p>Lucas sits down on a patch of grass under a tree and just lets himself breath. This is exactly what he needed. Some space to clear his head. He felt so overwhelmed after his conversation with Jens and here he feels like he can breath again and maybe get some of his thoughts in order. </p><p>Okay, so Jens probably knows or has at least a very good idea of what Lucas feels for him is not strictly platonic. That is not great but also not as bas as Lucas originally thought it would be. So Jens knows. Lucas just has to explain that he probably needs some time away from Jens to get over his feelings and then they can be friends again. Because even if Lucas can’t have Jens in the way he wants him right now, that doesn’t mean that he is ready to loose him as a whole. They have been friends for such a long time, surely Lucas will manage to get this under control so everything can go back to normal. </p><p>But for now, he still isn’t ready to confront Jens yet. He needs at least the weekend to mope a bit more and then he will suck it up and talk to him. Maybe he should start by telling him that he is gay. He wanted to do that in the first place but he was just so scared of what else that would reveal. But now that Jens can probably put two and two together this is nothing he has to fear anymore and just something he needs to accept. </p><p>Okay, so he will talk to him on Monday. That’s his plan. Yes. It’s a good plan. Surely Jens won’t be a dick about his feelings and he will certainly give Lucas all the time that he needs. Because that’s just how much of a good friend Jens is. He’s always so understanding, caring and loving, a good listener, Lucas biggest supporter, he also just gives the best hugs, Lucas loves the way he feels instantly safe when Jens wraps his arms around him, he loves his kind, beautiful eyes, and don’t get him started on those jaw lines and cheekbones…. <em>Snap out of it, Lucas.</em> Okay so maybe it will be a bit harder to get over his feelings for Jens then Lucas thought. </p><p>He has been lost in his thoughts for a while and when he checks his phone and he sees the time, he gets up, gathers his things and hurries back to the train station so he can catch the last train back to Antwerp. There are also some new messages that he hasn’t checked yet but can’t concentrate on now. He needs to get on that train or otherwise he is stranded in Utrecht.  </p><p>He thankfully makes it in time and on the train he decides to check his texts. They are probably all worried messages from his mum as he didn’t even text her that he had gone to Utrecht after school. And he finds some messages from her, quickly texts her back and apologizes for his abrupt departure. The other messages, however, are from Jens. </p><p>
  <em>From Jens<br/>
Luc, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can I come over, please? I just want to explain myself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Luc, please I really need to talk to you. I need to tell you something.</em>
</p><p><em>Luc?</em> </p><p>Lucas is confused. Why would Jens apologize? Why did he think that he made Lucas uncomfortable? If anything Lucas thought he was the one that made Jens uncomfortable with how close he was to kissing him. He rereads the texts to make sure he read them right. Maybe this conversation can’t wait until Monday. Lucas is dying for some clarity right now. What does Jens mean? Why does he so desperately want to talk to Lucas? What does he mean, explain himself? </p><p>
  <em>To Jens<br/>
I’m on my way home. I’ll be there in an hour. Come over? </em>
</p><p>Jens’s reply is immediate. </p><p>
  <em>From Jens<br/>
Yes, thank you, Luc. I’ll swear I’ll explain everything. See you in an hour.</em>
</p><p>Lucas is still confused. Jens doesn’t have anything to explain? It’s him that has to explain himself and his feelings that got so out of control today. He doesn’t text back and just thinks nervously about the conversation he is about to have with Jens. He thought he knew how this conversation would go. With Lucas explaining his feelings and his plan on getting their friendship back the way it was and for Jens to understand and give him time. But know Jens wants to explain himself? For what?</p><p>The much needed clarity that the trip to his old home town had offered Lucas is starting to blur a bit. But there is nothing much he can do about it, except await the conversation with Jens. He doesn’t regret leaving Antwerp behind for a few hours, at least in Utrecht he came up with the plan to save his friendship with Jens. </p><p>He arrives in Antwerp at 23:37 and then it takes another fifteen minutes to walk back to his house. When he turns the corner he can see Jens already sitting at the steps of his home, elbows rested on his knees and head in his hands. He is still wearing his red sweater but the jeans he wore this afternoon had been replaced with soft looking sweatpants. Lucas slowly walks up to him and makes his presence known with a small and hesitant “Hi.” </p><p>Jens’s head shoots up from where it was rested in his hands and looks up at Lucas with shock in his eyes. He quickly seems to collect himself and replies with an equally tiny “Hi” of his own. </p><p>Then it’s quiet. </p><p>Lucas doesn’t know how to start. He is so confused about why and what Jens wants to explain, that he waits for him to start. He gazes at Jens and finds him staring back nervously. And that is the first sign that something is off with Jens, because Jens? Nervous? Jens is chill personified. Lucas doesn’t think he has ever seen Jens nervous. Lucas feels weird just standing there so he collects his courage and sits down next to Jens, mirroring his position of elbows rested on his knees. </p><p>Jens doesn’t look at him when he starts talking. He looks down at his hands that he is starting to twist nervously between his legs. "So, I should probably start by telling you that I’m bisexual.” </p><p>Lucas is stunned. Because, what? What??? It’s not like he knew what he was expecting but it definitely wasn’t this. He just looks at Jens profile, searching for any kind of clue because he still won’t look at Lucas. Apparently he is silent for too long because Jens continues with: “And I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier, when I nearly kissed you. But it’s just… since I figured it out after Robbe came out and after an extremely eye opening conversation with him, I couldn’t deny it any longer.” </p><p>Lucas is still confused. Jens didn’t try to kiss him. It was Lucas that nearly couldn’t resist the urge to press their lips together when they stood so close. And what was he denying? Is he talking about him being bisexual? Lucas being confused doesn’t change the fact that the tiny little flicker of hope he gets around Jens sometimes is back at full force. Did Jens really want to kiss him earlier? It couldn’t be, right? Just because Jens is bisexual, doesn’t mean he suddenly will return Lucas feelings. These thoughts all run around in his head at the same time and he needs Jens to clear them before he can drop a confession of his own.</p><p>“What couldn’t you deny any longer? That you are bisexual?”</p><p>Jens finally looks at Lucas. His eyes seem sad but accepting, as if he already came to terms with something that Lucas still doesn’t understand. </p><p>“No. I mean, yes, that too.” Jens takes a deep breath holding Lucas’s gaze and utters the words that would turn Lucas’s entire world upside down. </p><p>“I couldn’t deny any longer that I really, really want to kiss my best friend.” </p><p>This tiny little flicker of hope inside his chest is now starting to grow to a respectable flame, threatening to take over. Jens couldn’t possibly mean Lucas right? There is just no way. Lucas was so ready to get turned down by Jens that he never prepared himself for the possibility of the opposite. Because there was no way. Lucas just can’t believe it. And because Jens has two best friends, he asks what he asks next.  </p><p>“You want to kiss Robbe?” </p><p>Jens snorts out a laugh and looks at Lucas like he can’t believe him while shaking his head. “What? No, you idiot. I mean you!” </p><p>“What? No, you don’t want to kiss me.” Lucas is still in denial. This can’t possibly be happening to him. Jens really returns his feelings?  </p><p>“Well, I’m sorry Luc. But I really do and I really like you and not in a way a best friend is supposed to. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I don’t want this to fuck up our friendship so maybe it’s best if I don’t see you for a while, just so I can get over you, okay?” </p><p>Lucas is still too stunned to respond to what he just heard and Jens must take this as his sign to leave. He stands up from the steps and stops in front of Lucas, who looks up at him. </p><p>“Well, that’s it. I just wanted to explain myself. This doesn’t have to be weird okay? You’re still my best friend. I just need some time.” With that Jens turns to leave and the sight of Jens’s back to Lucas is what finally spurs him into action. He stands up fast, and runs up to Jens and grabs his arm with one hand to make him turn around. He slowly moves his hand down Jens’s arm and takes hold of his hand while interlocking their fingers together. Jens looks genuinely surprised but doesn’t make a move to pull his hand back.</p><p>“I’m gay.” Lucas admits quietly. Now, it seems like Jens is the one left speechless. He just looks at him and his eyes begin to lighten up with hope. “And I really, really want to kiss you too.” </p><p>While he utters these words he closes the distance between them until they stand toe to toe, until there is only an inch of space left between their chests. When he lifts his head to look up into Jens’s beautiful eyes he unintentionally rubs the tips of their noses together. And because this simple gesture made Lucas stomach erupt in thousands of butterflies he did it again. Jens reaction is a giggle so cute Lucas wonders how he doesn’t melt at the sight of him. He lifts his other hand to cup Jens’s neck and brushes his thumb over his cheekbones. Jens looks at him in disbelief. Lucas can relate. Never ever did he think that he would find himself like this with Jens. Never in a million years did he think he would ever be this lucky, that Jens really returns his feelings. But Jens still just looks at him like he can’t believe it and honestly Lucas kind of grows impatient. </p><p>“Jens, that was clearly an invitation. Please, just kiss me in the next five seconds or I’m gonna…” </p><p>Lucas doesn’t get to finish. Jens presses their lips together in a way that is so achingly soft and full of affection Lucas feels himself go weak in the knees. Both of his hands cradle Jens’s face now and in turn he feels how Jens’s arms cling around his waist to pull him even tighter against his chest. Lucas goes willingly and the press of their lips turns from soft to firm. Jens opens his mouth a bit to suck Lucas bottom lip between his own. Lucas can’t help the content sigh that leaves his mouth which is met with a soft moan from Jens as he lets his tongue glide over Lucas’s bottom lip asking for permission. Lucas opens his mouth and lets their tongues glide together. For Lucas, kissing has never felt like this. With Jens, everything feels right and perfect and just <em>so, so good</em> he wonders how he made it this far in life without kissing Jens. He never wants to stop now that they’ve started but they have to break apart for air at some point. </p><p>“You kissed me”, Lucas says with a giddy smile as they break apart after what could’ve lasted a lifetime, Lucas doesn’t know. Jens just laughs and looks at Lucas fondly. “That I did. After you whined about it like an impatient child.” </p><p>“I don’t know about you, but I feel like this should be a thing that occurs on a regular basis, preferably all the time.” Only then Lucas seems to realize the second part of the sentence. “Hey!” He hits Jens against his chest but it doesn’t hold any strength. “Come on, do you know for how long I’ve wanted to kiss you? Don’t blame me for being a little impatient when I finally have the chance to do it.” </p><p>“No, actually. I don’t know. Please, enlighten me with the information of how long you’ve wanted to kiss me?” Jens voice is teasing and his expression smug. Lucas knows he should probably respond with something similarly clever, but the only thing he can come up with is to just simply kiss that smug expression off of his face. Jens doesn’t seem to mind. </p><p>When they break apart again, Lucas remembers that he still hasn’t got an answer for his proposition. He is nervous, even though he knows that he doesn’t really have a reason to be. “So…, what do you say? Want to kiss this handsome face on a regular basis? Preferably on dates, maybe?” </p><p>Jens snorts. “Is this your very Luc type of way of asking me if I want to be your boyfriend?”</p><p>Lucas doesn’t answer that, just raises his eyebrows at him. Jens knows exactly what he means. “Well?” </p><p>“Yes, Luc. I really, really, really want to be your boyfriend. And I really, really, really want to kiss you, preferably all the time. You are meeting all the boyfriend requirements already. See, you are already stealing all my clothes.” Oh damn. Lucas had forgotten that he swapped his jacket for Jens’s sweater. A blush begins to creep up his face. “I’ll wash it and give it back to you soon.” </p><p>Jens smiles brightly. “No, don’t bother. I looks much better on you than it does on me.” Jens must clearly be blind, the sweater is way too big for Lucas. He nearly drowns in it, but it was just so comfortable and soft and smelled like Jens that he didn’t really care what he looked like when he put it on.</p><p>Lucas raises his arms to throw them around Jens’s neck to pull him closer as he whispers against his lips: “So, boyfriends, huh?” Jens just laughs. His smile is so beautiful Lucas can’t help but just look at him in absolute adoration for a few moments. He is beginning to suspect that what he feels for Jens is harbouring dangerously close to something that he isn’t quite ready to admit just yet. But with the way Jens holds him safely in his arms, with the way he repeats Lucas gesture of rubbing their noses together, with the way he looks at Lucas with such a sincerity and sureness in his eyes, he finds himself not scared anymore of what it could mean. “Yes, boyfriends”, is Jens’s answer before he leans down his head to connect their lips once again. </p><p> </p><p>They walk to school on Monday morning after spending the whole weekend together. It was filled with cuddles and movies and dinners and kisses, oh my god, so many kisses that Lucas had lost count, but he savoured every single one of them. They are holding hands when they enter the schoolyard and simultaneously turn around when they hear a sound that sounds suspiciously like a squeal. Robbe runs up to them, doesn’t ask any questions, pulls them in for a bone crushing hug and just says “I’m so happy for you guys.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed. Kudos are also aways great if you did, thank you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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